Wanted: 2016 Presidential Candidate

Requirements –

  • Willing to relocate.
  • Willing to travel.
  • Willing and able to work evenings and weekends.
  • Extensive leadership skills and experience.
  • Understands how to handle classified, secret, and top secret information without compromising national security.
  • Can demonstrate a thorough understanding of the United States Constitution and, specifically, the rolls and limitations of the Executive Branch.
  • Must enforce the laws currently on the books.
  • Transparency a must.
  • Will not use the power and influence of the office to target political opposition.
  • Will not use the power and influence of the office to empower political allies.
  • Name-recognition a plus.
  • Willing to have character assassinated by media outlets all along the political spectrum.
  • Willing to fire lots of people and eliminate entire departments.
  • Convinced, and able to argue on a national stage, that the two major parties’ nominees both represent national suicide for America, both domestically and on the world stage.
  • Able to make the case for classic, American conservatism to a wide spectrum of undecided, disaffected, and / or otherwise apathetic voters.
  • Willing to declare independence from America’s two-party political system and make the case for voters to do the same.
  • Must not be boring, a jerk, a pacifist, effeminate, a social deviant, a narcissist, afraid of guns, a career politician, or a conspiracy theorist.
  • Preferably a man (we have to be realistic).
  • Young, polished, charismatic, bilingual minorities get preference (again, just keeping it real).


Job Description –

A sane, conservative demographic of voters is presently seeking a Presidential Candidate for the 2016 election cycle. An eligible candidate will champion conservative social values and work both to deregulate the private sector and to eliminate all government subsidies. The candidate will also be expected to encourage lower taxes, veto new spending, and make it a priority to work with congress to balance the budget and eliminate the national debt. Our candidate will also nominate only Supreme Court Justices who interpret the Constitution according to its authors’ intent, enforce America’s immigration laws, empower our nation’s military, and stand with our allies abroad.


Job Facts –

Type                    Full-time Public Servant

Industry             Representative Government

Experience        Experience in a related field (law, business, government office, military, etc.) preferred

Education          Bachelor Degree or higher, or comparable experience

Hazards              Assassination, impeachment or, if you are lucky, retirement in relative obscurity

Benefits              Lifelong medical, dental, life insurance, Secret Service detail, and you get to serve your country